JOKES

[Cudakiller70]

Obviously some sort of rift going on between these two.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

[Brads70]

Obviously some sort of rift going on between these two.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Not sure but all I know is the Newfies keep their armies up their sleeve'es 

[CudaMoparRay]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

[Chryco Psycho]

 

[Katfish]

Never truer would spoken....

[CudaMoparRay]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[CudaMoparRay]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours! "

[Cudakiller70]

A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Cudakiller70]

Poof!
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.
When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.
Poof! A beer appeared. Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."
And poof!...He was back at his desk in the government office!

[Cudakiller70]

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , "Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life,
and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad.We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.
So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"
"Wow that's impressive, "When did this happen?" "About three minutes ago," came the reply.

[Chryco Psycho]

 

[Jay Bee]

Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman "I'd like new air freshener for my Yugo."
The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says "OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade."

Q: What's the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?
A: You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards