JOKES

[blown motor]

Canadians will love this.

I stopped by a Canadian Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup.  Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.  I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old. 

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing an "I love Trudeau" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me and described the truck and all its "wonderful" options.  The seats were of particular interest.  She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.  Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.

"I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership. But it was worth it.

[JS29]

 

[Cudakiller70]

1. My goal for 2018 is to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a Throw it in the trash
b Grill some meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Pass this along to your fellow seniors.

[Cudakiller70]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sittingthere.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I wassupposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got marriedin 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you findsomeone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Cudakiller70]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my orderfirst...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.

[Cudakiller70]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
"Blind man driving."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts"

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming"

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[usraptor]

A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."


HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,  "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."


"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A  COUPLE OF HOURS...................... .. ......

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. 

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.   
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."

"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE." 

HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

[Cudakiller70]

A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"$150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.
"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when there is no one here to overcharge?"
"Raise porcupines, ma'am."

[303 Mopar]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.

[Cudakiller70]

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor said he would be able to leave the hospital in a week.

[Chryco Psycho]

Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair

        - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

         2. Law of Gravity

        Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

         3. Law of Probability

        The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

         4. Law of Random Numbers

        - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

         5. Variation Law

        If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

         6. Law of the Bath

        When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

        7. Law of Close Encounters

        The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

         8. Law of the Result

        When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

        9. Law of Biomechanics

         The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

        10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

        11. The Coffee Law

        - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

         12. Murphy's Law of Lockers

        - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

         

        13. Law of Physical Surfaces

        The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

        14. Law of Logical Argument

        Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

         15. Law of Physical Appearance

        If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

        16. Law of Public Speaking

        -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

         17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-

        As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

         18. Doctors' Law

        If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

         If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew.

        Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!

         

[Cudakiller70]

Bedside Manner
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them." At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"

[Cudakiller70]

Police Stop
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Cudakiller70]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No " "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."

[Brads70]

Groaner Dad joke of the day....

Why do Norwegians put bar codes on their war ships?

So when they dock, they can Scandinavian.