JOKES

[73440]

A brother of mine's 1st ex wife's cousin used to run the elevator at the Vatican. May still have that job, not sure.

[CudaMoparRay]

A brother of mine's 1st ex wife's cousin used to run the elevator at the Vatican. May still have that job, not sure.

That's the elevator that only goes up right? 

[73440]

A brother of mine's 1st ex wife's cousin used to run the elevator at the Vatican. May still have that job, not sure.

That's the elevator that only goes up right? 

Ah, I hadn't thought about that before.

[Cudakiller70]

1. My Wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

[Cudakiller70]

Newfie Medical Dictionary


Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor's cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperorv
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tumour – One plus one more
Urine – Opposite of you're out

[Cudakiller70]

The spelling error:
Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can change your life.
I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e".
No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.
I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!"

[Topcat]

Under Rants and Raves, Seattle Craigslist...

To the woman who crapped her pants in my car:

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at 6 rivers sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,

Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .Touché. . .

[blown motor]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like ot give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I'll see you here back in court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: o O

And told them this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's very admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" He said to the second guy.

"Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I also used a diagram with circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your .sshole before prison..."

[Cudakiller70]

Numbers Lesson
The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.
"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Michael?" he said.
"That's a "1," Michael replied.
"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Margaret?" Margaret replied "2."
"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised. "Yvonne?"
"3," Yvonne replied. "Very Good," said Mr Thomas.
"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised. "Pat?"
"4 comes after 3!" she said, enthusiastically.
"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6 and 7."
"That's right. Very good, Pat!"
"And after that, 8, 9 and 10!"
"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"My father taught me," Pat answered.
"Well, you have a very caring and attentive father," Mr Thomas said.
"Yes, he's the best!" was Pat's reply.
"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
"Yes," Pat said. "Jack, Queen, King and Ace."

[Topcat]

.

[blown motor]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let
the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide but, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them
free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels    and made them members of the church. Now they
only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[Chryco Psycho]

Story of Adam & Eve's Dog

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.  Now we do not see you any more.  We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. "

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.  Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.  And it was a good animal and God was pleased.



http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/6image.png


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/4image.png


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/1image.png

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.  The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/7image.png


And Cat would not obey them.  And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/3image.png


And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/8image.png

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/5image.png

  And the Cat . . .

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/2image.png

didn't give a crap one way or the other.......

[Chryco Psycho]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.  If you are looking for me, I'll be on the front porch.

[JS29]

Was that an original  deep thought from chryo psycho of did you dig that up somewhere? ether way that is A good one!!!    

[Chryco Psycho]

It was sent to me