JOKES

[cuda hunter]

How did Moses make his tea?  Hebrewed it.
The Indians were here first because they had reservations.

Now that just cracked me up! 

[Cudakiller70]

Weird laws

https://blog.nationwide.com/weird-tr...laws-by-state/

Alabama – No driving while blindfolded (imagine that!)..

Alaska – It's illegal to tie a dog to your car roof

Arizona – It's against the law to drive a car in reverse on a public road

Arkansas – Don't honk your car horn anywhere that serves cold drinks or sandwiches after 9 p.m.

California – It's against the law for women to drive in a housecoat

Colorado – It's illegal to drive a black car on a Sunday in Denver (I bet some of you fellas are violating this one every nice Sunday!)..

Connecticut – A fire engine should not exceed 25 m.p.h. – even on the way to a fire

Delaware – You should not change clothes in your vehicle

Florida – By law, you must feed the parking meter if you tie an elephant, goat or alligator to it

Georgia – It's illegal to spit from a car or bus, but it's OK to spit from a truck

Hawaii – It's against the law for any vehicle in motion to use its hazard lights

Idaho – Anyone over age 88 is forbidden to ride a motorcycle in Idaho Falls

Illinois – It's illegal to drive a car without a steering wheel

Indiana – It's against the law to sell cars on Sundays

Iowa – In Mount Vernon, it's illegal to throw a Red Ryder onto the highway

Kansas – You can't transport dead poultry in this state

Kentucky – It's illegal for your pet to molest a vehicle in Fort Thomas

Louisiana – A woman's husband is required by law to wave a flag in front of her car before she can drive it

Maine – It's illegal to buy a car on a Sunday

Maryland – It's a crime to swear from a vehicle in Rockville

Massachusetts – You cannot drive with a gorilla in your backseat

Michigan – It's against the law to sit in the middle of the street and read a newspaper

Minnesota – You're a public nuisance if you drive a truck in Minnetonka that leaves mud, dirt or sticky substances on the road

Mississippi – In Oxford, it's illegal to honk your horn because it might scare nearby horses

Missouri – You can't honk someone else's car horn

Montana – Unless you have a chaperone, it's illegal to have sheep in your truck

Nebraska – By law, drivers on mountains should drive with caution near the right edge of the highway, even though there are no mountains in Nebraska

Nevada – It's illegal to ride a camel on the highway

New Hampshire – It's against the law to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria

New Jersey – Frowning at a police officer is against the law here

New Mexico – It's illegal for cab drivers to reach out and pull potential customers into their taxis

New York – It's against the law to disrobe in your car in Sag Harbor

North Carolina – It's illegal to play in traffic

North Dakota – You're breaking the law when you put a penny in an automatic parking ticket machine

Ohio – It's illegal to run out of gas in Youngstown

Oklahoma – It's illegal to read a comic book while driving

Oregon – By law, you must yield to pedestrians when driving on the sidewalk

Pennsylvania –When driving on a country road at night, you must stop every mile and set off flares or other warning signals and then allow 10 minutes for livestock to clear the road

Rhode Island – It's illegal to ride a horse on a highway for the purpose of racing or testing the speed of the horse

South Carolina – It's unlawful to store trash in your vehicle in Hilton Head

South Dakota – You only need to be 14 years old to get your license in South Dakota

Tennessee – It's illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving vehicle

Texas – You must have windshield wipers to register a car, although having a windshield is optional

Utah – By law, birds have the right of way on all highways

Vermont – It's illegal for cars to backfire in Rutland

Virginia – Women are prohibited from driving a car on Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag

Washington – A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town

West Virginia *- It's legal to eat road kill

Wisconsin – It's against the law for a person to ride a bicycle with their hands off the handlebars

Wyoming – By law, you must close a gate crossing over a road, river, stream or ditch or you risk a $750 fine

[Chryco Psycho]

most of these beg the question why there was enough people doing this to require a law 
I like the law fro Washington ! 

[Cudakiller70]

Or this one

Louisiana – A woman's husband is required by law to wave a flag in front of her car before she can drive it

[Topcat]

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father.
I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I cannot say."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Fiona Mallory?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself."
"Yes, Father."

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

[Topcat]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her vagina, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[Roadman]

 

[blown motor]

A Priest and a Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.

The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replied,

Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham
sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? "
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied,

"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat
thinking, for

about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

"Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Cudakiller70]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Cudakiller70]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[Cudakiller70]

> THINGS TO PONDER:


> I WAS TOLD that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any > trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

> I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.

> Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?

> America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean
to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

> You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.

> Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?


> My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.


> Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.


> You're not fat, you're just easier to see.


> If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.

> I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."


> My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.


> The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure
she's going to get me something.


> Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


> The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all
single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[blown motor]

I love the last one!!

[Cudakiller70]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".

[Roadman]

           http://fantasticjokes.net/profane-polly/

[Chryco Psycho]

some folks are doing their best to rain on your parade... 

So, remember this story the next time ...



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"



"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"



"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"



"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."



"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."



"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."



"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."



A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel,  the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the  Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"



He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"