JOKES

[Roadman]

                       A guy was at work one day and noticed his coworker wearing an ear ring.  Knowing his coworker is a conservative guy, he walks over and says " I didn't know your into ear rings "  The coworker responds " don't make a big deal about it, it's just an ear ring " Well this prods the guys curiosity, so he says " how long have you been wearing it ? '  The co worker responds " ever since my wife found it in my truck"   

                   

[Timbbuc2]

 

[Cudakiller70]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351:! "Give us another hint! We use digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341:
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."


Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts.

Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They expect one to know one's gate parking location.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.! Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the ice, asking: "Wasn't I
married to you once?"

[anlauto]

Those are excellent, thanks for sharing.

[71GranCoupe]

I have good friend who is a pilot, and will share with him. Thanks 

[Roadman]

        Makes sense to me.     

[Timbbuc2]

A well know captain of a Pirate Ship was looking over the horizon, when the man in the crows nest said war ships coming, the Captain said bring me my Red Coat, the battle ensued and he was victorious. A member of the crew said Captain well done why did you want your Red Coat, He said" Well if I was wounded during the battle the crew would not see it and carry on to VICTORY.
The next day one crew member said 10 ships on the horizon, the Captain said " Bring me my brown pants"

[Roadman]

 

[Chryco Psycho]

bad joke

[ToxicWolf]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR 'My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.I looked at her and said, Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Timbbuc2]

 

[Roadman]

No offense meant to any blondes out there.     

[Cudakiller70]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona ,
the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Timbbuc2]

A city slicker decided he had enough of the bright lights and noise of the BIG CITY. So he decided he would move west and buy a farm, his closest neighbor lived 5 miles away. He was so happy, finally alone with piece and quiet.
One day a man rode up on his horse and said "Howdy" I wanted to introduce myself, I am your neighbor Billy-Bob. He said you want to come to a party? The city boy was enjoying his new spread and it was too quiet. He said "Sure, that would be fun" Billy -Bob said "Well I want to be honest with you , there may be some drinking going on!" City boy said" No problem I love a good cold beer". Billy-Bob said "Also might be some dancing going on!" CIty boy said "I love to dance and shake a leg once in awhile".Billy-Bob said" Well there maybe a little hanky-panky going on. City boy was excited, great sounds like fun,what should I wear,
Billy -Bob said ah heck dont make any difference, just going to be you and me

[Roadman]

       Bobs wife said to him one day, " Why don't you go to the doctor and get some of those pills that help you get an erection faster ? "

       He came home the next day and handed her a bottle of diet pills. 

       Bob's currently looking for a place to live.