JOKES

[Cudakiller70]

Is this legit ?  I just got this email.....

Hi anlauto; How are you today, i hope you will be good

I was this 3 days searching for any contact that can make me take a short conversation with you

First, i want to tell that i'm a neighbor, sorry if i can't told you my name, cuz i'm shy

I love you, i realy love you, and i want to know your opinion about me

i already registred on chat website, you must also register on it, if you want to see my pic, my phone number ...

I know you will like me because i'm beautifull, i'm waiting for you to register and began our conversation

register from this link===> http://yellowred.net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb

Don't be late plz i know you are home now!! and i want you to date me tonight

if you are free .... it will be a special night with us

Click Here ==> http://yellowred.net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb

I'm not clicking on those links, probably get a virus 

[Topcat]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband:
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

[CudaMoparRay]

Wonder what make?

[Cudakiller70]

Three Holy men and a bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.... He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Roadman]

 

[usraptor]

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal.  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt    Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress $5000.  Tux rental-$100.  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  One mood all the time.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.  You can open all your own jars.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.  Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.  You almost never have strap problems in public.  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  Everything on your face stays its original color.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.  You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.  One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.  No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

- A woman has the last word in any argument.

- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

- Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:    A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor ... And to the men who will enjoy reading.

May you always have love to share; health to spare,
and Friends that care.

[CudaMoparRay]

More than a joke, there's much truth in some of it lol

[Chryco Psycho]

 
lots truth there 

[Topcat]

A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a huge dump, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
An old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a big crap first.

[Wedg2Go]

BREAKING NEWS: NFL Cutting One Team!

Financial problems cited, the NFL announced today the elimination of one team from the league.

The Green Bay Packers will combine with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to form the Tampacks. Unfortunately, they'll only be good for one period and there's no second string.

[usraptor]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Topcat]

.

[CudaMoparRay]

Maybe in the near future.

[Cudakiller70]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[Roadman]

      This Joke has been moved to " JOKES " by @Cudakiller70