A guy was at work one day and noticed his coworker wearing an ear ring. Knowing his coworker is a conservative guy, he walks over and says " I didn't know your into ear rings " The coworker responds " don't make a big deal about it, it's just an ear ring " Well this prods the guys curiosity, so he says " how long have you been wearing it ? ' The co worker responds " ever since my wife found it in my truck"
:o
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:! "Give us another hint! We use digital watches!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341:
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They expect one to know one's gate parking location.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't land."
------------------------------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.! Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the ice, asking: "Wasn't I
married to you once?"
Those are excellent, thanks for sharing. :rofl:
I have good friend who is a pilot, and will share with him. Thanks :rofl:
Makes sense to me. :D
A well know captain of a Pirate Ship was looking over the horizon, when the man in the crows nest said war ships coming, the Captain said bring me my Red Coat, the battle ensued and he was victorious. A member of the crew said Captain well done why did you want your Red Coat, He said" Well if I was wounded during the battle the crew would not see it and carry on to VICTORY.
The next day one crew member said 10 ships on the horizon, the Captain said " Bring me my brown pants" :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
bad joke
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR 'My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.I looked at her and said, Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
:slapme5:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
No offense meant to any blondes out there. :rebelflag"
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona ,
the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A city slicker decided he had enough of the bright lights and noise of the BIG CITY. So he decided he would move west and buy a farm, his closest neighbor lived 5 miles away. He was so happy, finally alone with piece and quiet.
One day a man rode up on his horse and said "Howdy" I wanted to introduce myself, I am your neighbor Billy-Bob. He said you want to come to a party? The city boy was enjoying his new spread and it was too quiet. He said "Sure, that would be fun" Billy -Bob said "Well I want to be honest with you , there may be some drinking going on!" City boy said" No problem I love a good cold beer". Billy-Bob said "Also might be some dancing going on!" CIty boy said "I love to dance and shake a leg once in awhile".Billy-Bob said" Well there maybe a little hanky-panky going on. City boy was excited, great sounds like fun,what should I wear,
Billy -Bob said ah heck dont make any difference, just going to be you and me
Bobs wife said to him one day, " Why don't you go to the doctor and get some of those pills that help you get an erection faster ? "
He came home the next day and handed her a bottle of diet pills.
Bob's currently looking for a place to live. :rebelflag"
:rofl: :rofl:
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.
Quote from: 71GranCoupe on January 10, 2017, 03:40:53 PM
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rebelflag"
Awesome , Thanks :clapping:
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once, it was a Ford ....."
:rebelflag" :rofl: :rebelflag"
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years, unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.
What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
:rebelflag" :rebelflag" :rebelflag"
Need a little help
.
HA HA that was good! I had to steal that one and posted it on facebook. I read it to my wife, she was trying not to smile, and said " I'm swishing my tea" :dunno:
Breakfast, best meal of the day. :rofl:
:rebelflag" :bricks: :rebelflag"
So this Irishman walks out of a bar. No, really...it could happen.
Horse riding accident
First of all, I'm fine - or I will be soon. I had a
nasty accident yesterday but I'm ok. I went horseback riding and let's just say
it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse ok and started out slowly
but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable
with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! I have to admit I was
terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in
the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it
just kept going around and around.
Thank God the store manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the carousel.......
Quote from: blown motor on January 16, 2017, 02:02:05 PM
So this Irishman walks out of a bar. No, really...it could happen.
Sounds like shenanigans and malarkey to me.
So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw a Muslim book store.
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F**k off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
:rebelflag" :huh: :rebelflag"
Brad and Ian are going to love this one.
A Canadian is returning home and the customs officer asks for his passport. He says "I lost it but I can prove I'm Canadian because I have a tattoo of Celine Dion on my right butt cheek. Customs officer says "that won't do, I need a passport". The guy says "well I have a tattoo of Shania Twain on my left but cheek". The customs officer is intrigued so he says "Ok let's see them". The guy drops his pants and the customs officer says "well I'll be darned, you must be from Ontario". The guy says "how did you know that". Customs officer says" Because you have Kathleen Wynne right there in the middle".
Quote from: blown motor on January 24, 2017, 12:03:29 PM
Brad and Ian are going to love this one.
A Canadian is returning home and the customs officer asks for his passport. He says "I lost it but I can prove I'm Canadian because I have a tattoo of Celine Dion on my right butt cheek. Customs officer says "that won't do, I need a passport". The guy says "well I have a tattoo of Shania Twain on my left but cheek". The customs officer is intrigued so he says "Ok let's see them". The guy drops his pants and the customs officer says "well I'll be darned, you must be from Ontario". The guy says "how did you know that". Customs officer says" Because you have Kathleen Wynne right there in the middle".
HAHA good one! :rofl:
:canada: :rofl: :rofl:
Saw that coming... :rofl: :rofl: :canada:
Good one!! :rofl:
:rebelflag" :rofl: :unitedstates:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Quote from: roadman on January 28, 2017, 03:01:26 PM
:rebelflag" :rofl: :unitedstates:
:rebelflag" :dunno: :unitedstates:
:rebelflag" :D :unitedstates:
Quote from: roadman on January 28, 2017, 03:01:26 PM
:rebelflag" :rofl: :unitedstates:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Thats a good one
:rebelflag" Oldie but a goodie. :bradsthumb:
:unitedstates: :unitedstates: :rebelflag" :rebelflag"
Gotta love kids. :clapping:
:rebelflag" :rebelflag" :unitedstates: :unitedstates:
:rebelflag" :rebelflag" :rebelflag" :rebelflag"
A man and woman who had never met before, and were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
Though initially embarressed and uneasy, they fell asleep quickly, him in the upper bunk, her in the lower.
About 1 am the man reached down and asked the woman, " I sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching in the closet and handing me another blanket, I'm awfully cold ? " She repled, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, lets pretend were married ! "
Wow, thats a great idea he exclaimed !!!!
Good, she repled, " get your own damn blanket "
:unitedstates: :unitedstates: How True :rebelflag"
:rebelflag" :rebelflag" :rebelflag" :rebelflag" :rebelflag"
An elderly Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
:rebelflag" Old boy in his 60's was working out at the gym one morning when an attractive young lady walked by.
So he walked over to trainer and asked him which machine he should use to impress her.
The trainer looked him up and down and said, Id recommend the ATM out in the lobby. :rebelflag"
Quote from: roadman on February 17, 2017, 12:56:57 PM
:rebelflag" "Old boy in his 60's"
I thought, hey this about roadman!
Quote from: roadman on February 17, 2017, 12:56:57 PM
:rebelflag" was working out at the gym one morning
I thought, nope, not about roadman! :pokeeye:
Quote from: blown motor on February 17, 2017, 07:27:55 PM
Quote from: roadman on February 17, 2017, 12:56:57 PM
:rebelflag" "Old boy in his 60's"
I thought, hey this about roadman!
Quote from: roadman on February 17, 2017, 12:56:57 PM
:rebelflag" was working out at the gym one morning
Hey, I resemble that remark. :haha:
I thought, nope, not about roadman! :pokeeye:
:unitedstates: How many of you can relate to this ? :rebelflag"
And This is the Truth. :bricks:
The Blonde On The Airplane
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde, "Ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane."
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart, and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica."
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. He goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart, and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tell him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other, and then the co-pilot, and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them, "Oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica."
:haha: :rofl:
:rebelflag"
:rebelflag"
An airline pilot wrote that on one particular flight he landed really hard. The airline had a policy after each flight they were required to have the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
:rebelflag"
Question:What does a Divorce and Tornado have in common in Alabama???? :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking:
Answer:At the end of the day someone is going to loose a house trailer :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
http://kalecoauto.com/
this should kill an hour or so :haha:
They DO have blinker fluid. :haha: :rofl:
http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image&pID=22&zenid=DtXe,nectDLuMxH1ScGQY2
Quote from: Chryco Psycho on April 23, 2017, 07:14:02 PM
http://kalecoauto.com/
this should kill an hour or so :haha:
I think their flux capacitor is a little over priced! :rofl:
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked for her cell number so I could call her.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"
A guy next to me overheard, tapped on my shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.
Husband and wife.....
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Modify message
My Living Will
Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my beer!
The little bastards.
.
Confused
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable / TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, County & State Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing
I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl
about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53,
gets off his Harley, walks through a group of
gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying
to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey
Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear too "insensitive,"
George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend"
opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you
jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ol' George
here your best last kiss?"
So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over
the railing and did just that ...and it was a long,
deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another
even better one. After they breathlessly finished,
George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-
buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper,
and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there,
Sugar Shorts You could be famous if you rode with
me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
..It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.
:rebelflag" :rebelflag" Little boy went with his Grandma to the hospital to visit his grandpa. When they got there the little boy burst into his Grandpa's room ahead of his Grandma and blurted out, "Grandpa, when Grandma comes in make a noise like a frog. " When his Grandpa asked why he should do that, the little boy said, " Cause Grandma said when you croak were going to Disney World." :D
.
WIFE: Doctor says I need to start a new exercise program today. I need to walk 3 miles a day.
HUSBAND: Great!! So by this time next week you will be 21 miles away! :D
The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick,
I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
:haha: :rofl:
Proof that Men Have Better Friends..
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his
wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called
her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept
over, and two said he was still there.
A blonde gal decided she was going to do her jig saw puzzle, so she dumped it out on the table and looked it over. She decided to call her boyfriend to come and help as she couldn't figure out how to get started. So he comes over, looks it over and asks " whats it supposed to be ? " She said according to the box it's a rooster. So he says, well honey, it will never be a rooster, so lets sit down, have a cup of tea and put the corn flakes back in the box. :D
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather foreign-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. Once he got them settled in their seats a lady across the ailse leaned over and asked him if they were all his kids. He replied no, I work for a condom company in customer service, and there customer complaints.
BRITISH HUMOR
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *******.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
I had a employee always worked 4 days a week. I asked why are you always out one day a week and I quote " I cant make on 3" :verymad:
Quote from: Timbbuc2 on August 04, 2017, 09:29:46 AM
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
I had a employee always worked 4 days a week. I asked why are you always out one day a week and I quote " I cant make on 3" :verymad:
I believe your story, as one time there was another apprentice, asked him why he only worked 3 days a week, his line, I can't get by on any less. Partying basically got in the way of work.
So who is wrong ?
I have worked minimum of 70 hrs / wee since high school & I have nothing to show for it
Maybe all of us workaholics are wrong & we should be enjoying life more :notsure:
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
Seenager
I just discovered my age group!
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names!
Thank you!
I stopped at a rest area headed for the toilet, went into the cubicle and this is what happened...
"Hi, how are you?"
Now...I'm not the type to start a conversation in a toilet
and I don't know what got into me, but...
I answered..."Doin' just fine!"
then the other person said:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that?
I'm thinking.... this is too bizarre...
so I said: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could
when I heard another question.
"Can I come over?"
OK, this question was just too weird for me but I figured
I would just be polite and end the conversation...
so I said:
"No.. I'm just a little too busy right now !!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an person in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions!!
Early one morning a wife says to her husband " Honey, do you want a nice breakfast, bacon and eggs maybe ? " No he says, that Viagra ruined my appetite.
Lunch rolls around and she asks him if he's hungry. No he says, that Viagra just takes away my hunger.
At dinner time she says, honey how about a nice ribeye steak and baked potato, your favorite.?He says no, it's that Viagra, not hungry.
Well, OK she says, would you mind letting me up, I'm starving. :haha: :rebelflag"
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
"Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They looked, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: Tall, well built, with dark black hair and brown eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.
................No one moves.
................He removes his shirt.
................Muscles ripple across his chest.
...............She gasps
.................He whispers:
..............."Here, iron this, and get me a sandwich to eat."
A grandfather and grand son walk through the pharmacy and the grandson asks whats that?
Grandfather says, that's a condom for when its Friday and your out with your girlfriend.
Then he asks whats that,
That's a 3 pack for when you've been together longer and its for Friday, Saturday and sunday.
Then he asks whats that?
That's a 6 pack for when you've been together for a while and its 2 on Friday, 2 on Saturday, and 2 on sunday.
Then he asks whats that?
That's a 12 pack for when you get married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for march and so on.
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..'
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else,there's MasterCard!
The Arrogance of
Authority
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear.......do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Is this legit ? :dunno: I just got this email.....
Hi anlauto; How are you today, i hope you will be good
I was this 3 days searching for any contact that can make me take a short conversation with you
First, i want to tell that i'm a neighbor, sorry if i can't told you my name, cuz i'm shy
I love you, i realy love you, and i want to know your opinion about me
i already registred on chat website, you must also register on it, if you want to see my pic, my phone number ...
I know you will like me because i'm beautifull, i'm waiting for you to register and began our conversation
register from this link===> http://yellowred.....net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb
Don't be late plz i know you are home now!! and i want you to date me tonight
if you are free .... it will be a special night with us
Click Here ==> http://yellowred.....net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb
Quote from: anlauto on September 05, 2017, 10:07:42 AM
Is this legit ? :dunno: I just got this email.....
Hi anlauto; How are you today, i hope you will be good
I was this 3 days searching for any contact that can make me take a short conversation with you
First, i want to tell that i'm a neighbor, sorry if i can't told you my name, cuz i'm shy
I love you, i realy love you, and i want to know your opinion about me
i already registred on chat website, you must also register on it, if you want to see my pic, my phone number ...
I know you will like me because i'm beautifull, i'm waiting for you to register and began our conversation
register from this link===> http://yellowred.net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb
Don't be late plz i know you are home now!! and i want you to date me tonight
if you are free .... it will be a special night with us
Click Here ==> http://yellowred.net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb
I'm not clicking on those links, probably get a virus :stop:
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband:
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
Wonder what make?
Three Holy men and a bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.... He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
:rebelflag"
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor ... And to the men who will enjoy reading.
May you always have love to share; health to spare,
and Friends that care.
More than a joke, there's much truth in some of it lol
:iagree:
lots truth there :bigthumb:
A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a huge dump, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
An old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a big crap first.
BREAKING NEWS: NFL Cutting One Team!
Financial problems cited, the NFL announced today the elimination of one team from the league.
The Green Bay Packers will combine with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to form the Tampacks. Unfortunately, they'll only be good for one period and there's no second string.
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
.
Maybe in the near future.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A "Dick Tater"
Quote from: speeddemon on October 05, 2017, 08:27:21 AM
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A "Dick Tater"
Did you hear htat one on HEE-HAW?
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Dallas, Texas and was trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class that she's a Cowboys fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Cowboy fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your ha............nd?"
"Because I'm NOT a Cowboys fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Cowboys fan, then whom do you support?"
"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Well Mary, might you explain why are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco and my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a Niner fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, "Well then of course I'd be a Dallas cowboys fan.
Frying Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! OH OH! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh Noooo! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ...
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my
husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with
one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
ITALIAN GAMBLERS !!!
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing while standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
A LONG ONE BUT WORTH THE READ....(EVEN MORE FUNNY CUZ I WORK FOR A LAB!)
One day John was passing by the doctors office when he noticed his tennis elbow was acting up. He decided to stop in. Your in luck the nurse says we had a cancellation today so John agrees to wait to be seen. The nurse then walks up to him and hands him a sterile cup asking him to provide a urine sample. John tells her he thinks it's a bit absurd for a tennis elbow examination which she goes on to explain to John how the doctor had purchased a new lab machine that could diagnose just about any physical problem someone had no matter what it was with total accuracy that it cut down on his work and allowed the doctor to cut out of work early each day to hit the golf course each afternoon. John thought this sounded unbelieveable but did agree to provide a urine sample.
A short time later the doctor called him in to be seen and he says to John...." So that tennis elbows really acting up huh?"....."So the nurse out front told you why I'm here?" The doctor tells him no and explains that it's his new lab machine that tests the urine. John thinks this explaination is just ridiculous and just smirked. He kept his thoughts to himself, accepted his script for a pain killer but did agree to return for a checkup in two weeks.
Two weeks go by and John is sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He shares a laugh with them about this crazy machine the doctor explained he had at the office. So John suggests they have some fun with the doctor. Not only does he pee in the cup but so does his wife and his teenage daughter. In his bathroom after breakfast he spots a hidden adult magazine under a towel in the closet and decides to add a little something "extra" to the sample. On his way out to the garage looking at his car he has one last idea and adds a few drops of crank case oil from his car to the container and mixes everything together with a little smirk. Laughing all the way on the drive over to the doctor.
Twenty minutes go by and the doctor finally calls John back into a room. The doctor starts pacing back and forth looking at John sternly. Finally he could contain his upset no longer, stops dead in his tracks and he says to John...." So you think your a wise ass do ya?" "Well I have some bad news for you when we ran your urine sample on my new machine.....Your wife has gonnorrhea, your teenage daughter is pregnant, your cars about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop whacking off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"
3 moles living in a hole,
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole couldn't get his head out of the hole because of the other two and said all I smell is moleasses.
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up...
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Quote from: 71GranCoupe on December 03, 2017, 06:07:27 PM
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up...
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
:haha: :rofl: love it
Here is another good one
I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
There's a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrewed it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
The Indians were here first because they had reservations.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Quote from: anlauto on December 10, 2017, 09:18:12 AM
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrewed it.
The Indians were here first because they had reservations.
Now that just cracked me up!
Weird laws
https://blog.nationwide.com/weird-tr...laws-by-state/
Alabama – No driving while blindfolded (imagine that!)..
Alaska – It's illegal to tie a dog to your car roof
Arizona – It's against the law to drive a car in reverse on a public road
Arkansas – Don't honk your car horn anywhere that serves cold drinks or sandwiches after 9 p.m.
California – It's against the law for women to drive in a housecoat
Colorado – It's illegal to drive a black car on a Sunday in Denver (I bet some of you fellas are violating this one every nice Sunday!)..
Connecticut – A fire engine should not exceed 25 m.p.h. – even on the way to a fire
Delaware – You should not change clothes in your vehicle
Florida – By law, you must feed the parking meter if you tie an elephant, goat or alligator to it
Georgia – It's illegal to spit from a car or bus, but it's OK to spit from a truck
Hawaii – It's against the law for any vehicle in motion to use its hazard lights
Idaho – Anyone over age 88 is forbidden to ride a motorcycle in Idaho Falls
Illinois – It's illegal to drive a car without a steering wheel
Indiana – It's against the law to sell cars on Sundays
Iowa – In Mount Vernon, it's illegal to throw a Red Ryder onto the highway
Kansas – You can't transport dead poultry in this state
Kentucky – It's illegal for your pet to molest a vehicle in Fort Thomas
Louisiana – A woman's husband is required by law to wave a flag in front of her car before she can drive it
Maine – It's illegal to buy a car on a Sunday
Maryland – It's a crime to swear from a vehicle in Rockville
Massachusetts – You cannot drive with a gorilla in your backseat
Michigan – It's against the law to sit in the middle of the street and read a newspaper
Minnesota – You're a public nuisance if you drive a truck in Minnetonka that leaves mud, dirt or sticky substances on the road
Mississippi – In Oxford, it's illegal to honk your horn because it might scare nearby horses
Missouri – You can't honk someone else's car horn
Montana – Unless you have a chaperone, it's illegal to have sheep in your truck
Nebraska – By law, drivers on mountains should drive with caution near the right edge of the highway, even though there are no mountains in Nebraska
Nevada – It's illegal to ride a camel on the highway
New Hampshire – It's against the law to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria
New Jersey – Frowning at a police officer is against the law here
New Mexico – It's illegal for cab drivers to reach out and pull potential customers into their taxis
New York – It's against the law to disrobe in your car in Sag Harbor
North Carolina – It's illegal to play in traffic
North Dakota – You're breaking the law when you put a penny in an automatic parking ticket machine
Ohio – It's illegal to run out of gas in Youngstown
Oklahoma – It's illegal to read a comic book while driving
Oregon – By law, you must yield to pedestrians when driving on the sidewalk
Pennsylvania –When driving on a country road at night, you must stop every mile and set off flares or other warning signals and then allow 10 minutes for livestock to clear the road
Rhode Island – It's illegal to ride a horse on a highway for the purpose of racing or testing the speed of the horse
South Carolina – It's unlawful to store trash in your vehicle in Hilton Head
South Dakota – You only need to be 14 years old to get your license in South Dakota
Tennessee – It's illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving vehicle
Texas – You must have windshield wipers to register a car, although having a windshield is optional
Utah – By law, birds have the right of way on all highways
Vermont – It's illegal for cars to backfire in Rutland
Virginia – Women are prohibited from driving a car on Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag
Washington – A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town
West Virginia *- It's legal to eat road kill
Wisconsin – It's against the law for a person to ride a bicycle with their hands off the handlebars
Wyoming – By law, you must close a gate crossing over a road, river, stream or ditch or you risk a $750 fine
most of these beg the question why there was enough people doing this to require a law :yessir:
I like the law fro Washington ! :bigthumb:
Or this one :haha:
Louisiana – A woman's husband is required by law to wave a flag in front of her car before she can drive it
A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father.
I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Fiona Mallory?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Brenda O'Malley, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself."
"Yes, Father."
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her vagina, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
:unitedstates: :rebelflag"
A Priest and a Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.
The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replied,
Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham
sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? "
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied,
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat
thinking, for
about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said,
"Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
> THINGS TO PONDER:
> I WAS TOLD that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any > trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
> I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.
> Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?
> America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean
to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
> You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.
> Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
> My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.
> Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
> You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
> If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.
> I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
> My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
> The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure
she's going to get me something.
> Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
> The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all
single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
I love the last one!!
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
8) http://fantasticjokes.net/profane-polly/
some folks are doing their best to rain on your parade...
So, remember this story the next time ...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"
A brother of mine's 1st ex wife's cousin used to run the elevator at the Vatican. May still have that job, not sure.
Quote from: 73440 on February 21, 2018, 02:49:20 PM
A brother of mine's 1st ex wife's cousin used to run the elevator at the Vatican. May still have that job, not sure.
That's the elevator that only goes up right? :yes: :D
Quote from: CudaMoparRay on February 21, 2018, 04:31:17 PM
Quote from: 73440 on February 21, 2018, 02:49:20 PM
A brother of mine's 1st ex wife's cousin used to run the elevator at the Vatican. May still have that job, not sure.
That's the elevator that only goes up right? :yes: :D
Ah, I hadn't thought about that before.
1. My Wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Newfie Medical Dictionary
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor's cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperorv
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tumour – One plus one more
Urine – Opposite of you're out
The spelling error:
Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can change your life.
I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e".
No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.
I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!"
Under Rants and Raves, Seattle Craigslist...
To the woman who crapped her pants in my car:
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at 6 rivers sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,
Tad
P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .Touché. . .
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like ot give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I'll see you here back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: o O
And told them this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's very admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" He said to the second guy.
"Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I also used a diagram with circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your .sshole before prison..."
Numbers Lesson
The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.
"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Michael?" he said.
"That's a "1," Michael replied.
"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Margaret?" Margaret replied "2."
"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised. "Yvonne?"
"3," Yvonne replied. "Very Good," said Mr Thomas.
"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised. "Pat?"
"4 comes after 3!" she said, enthusiastically.
"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6 and 7."
"That's right. Very good, Pat!"
"And after that, 8, 9 and 10!"
"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"My father taught me," Pat answered.
"Well, you have a very caring and attentive father," Mr Thomas said.
"Yes, he's the best!" was Pat's reply.
"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
"Yes," Pat said. "Jack, Queen, King and Ace."
.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let
the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide but, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them
free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they
only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Story of Adam & Eve's Dog
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. "
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/6image.png
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/4image.png
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/1image.png
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/7image.png
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/3image.png
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/8image.png
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/5image.png
And the Cat . . .
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5018593/2image.png
didn't give a crap one way or the other.......
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I'll be on the front porch.
Was that an original deep thought from chryo psycho of did you dig that up somewhere? ether way that is A good one!!! :thinking: :haha: :haha:
It was sent to me :cool:
:cool:
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...... "Try doing it with the engine running."
Quote from: Topcat on May 09, 2018, 07:08:57 PM
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...... "Try doing it with the engine running."
Heard that joke many times, but the fact is they don't.... They roll in a backup engine (Heart Lung Machine)......
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP "Make America Great Again" cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican'."
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.
Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"
Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
BANANAS & MILKDUDS
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat
.
This message is for America 's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would Be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have lift off'.
Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million Weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
'Bananas,' he said.
'For the potassium?' I asked.
'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Lead foot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up
.
In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice... I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I Was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person In history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
'Two Bags.'
New Hearing Aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Egomaniac Light Bulb
Q: How many egomaniac does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him.
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
Sing along at the opera
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"
Retiree @Costco
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Winchester, the Crazy Wheaten
and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. The world needs more humor - take care of our retirees!
Earning A Day Off
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Speaking of hearing aids,
Two older gentleman were talking and the first says I just bought the best hearing aid made , the second says oh ya what kind is it ? The first answers a quarter to three.
Aging
A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a Winnipeg bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. All I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Meet Walter Barnes
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
Then he calmly returned to his seat.
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right number,
you
idiot!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
any one could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're the idiot!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'idiot' next to it,
and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an
idiot!" and then hang up. It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'idiot'
calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and (disguising my voice
and making up a name) said, "Hi, this is John Smith from AT&T. I'm
calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an idiot!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign
in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW idiot,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes,
it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said,
"Yes,
I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked
right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name
is
Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He
said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can
I
tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an idiot!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,
when I
had a problem, I had two idiots to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Idiot #1. He said, "Hello." I
said, "You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I
said,
"Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Idiot, I live at 34 Oak
Tree Blvd. It's a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in
front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, idiot,"
and hung up.
Then I called Idiot #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, idiot,"
He
yelled, "If I ever find out who you are ..." I interrupted and said,
"You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your head in!" I answered,
"Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now!" Then I
hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Oak
Tree Blvd. and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree
Blvd.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Oak Tree Blvd. I got
there
just in time to watch two idiots beating the fool out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
They have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting toasted from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look cute...Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really irks me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. "Forget those rednecks."
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants now have lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Forget it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
It should be noted that the judges are selected more carefully now........it took the fire departments disaster team two days to put Frank out!
A weak Turkey was walking in the pasture and he wanted to get to the top of the tree but he was too weak. A lone crow flew down and told the Turkey to eat the corn in the cow's manure and it would make his stronger. After a couple of day's the Turkey sure enough was stronger and flew to the top, he was so happy. A few minutes later a gun shot rang out the the Turkey fell to the ground. The moral of the story is BS can get you to the top but it wont keep you there. :rebelflag"
WORDS OF WISDOM
1. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
2. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt he forgets his sugar.
3. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
4. When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
5. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.
6. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.
7. A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna work."
8. Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
9. Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
10. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder
Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had.. an
elephant?
So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets
with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A judge was interviewing an Alabama woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said,
"I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town,
as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked,
"Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two car carport and have
never really needed one because we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again,
"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -
but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The fool says he can't communicate with me."
Canadians will love this.
I stopped by a Canadian Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.
The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing an "I love Trudeau" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me and described the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.
"I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"
I had to walk back to the dealership. But it was worth it.
:haha: :rofl: :haha: :haha: :haha: :ohyeah:
1. My goal for 2018 is to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a Throw it in the trash
b Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Pass this along to your fellow seniors.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sittingthere.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I wassupposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got marriedin 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you findsomeone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my orderfirst...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
"Blind man driving."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts"
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming"
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...................... .. ......
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."
"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE."
HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"$150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.
"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when there is no one here to overcharge?"
"Raise porcupines, ma'am."
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.
After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks: "What does that mean?"
He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor said he would be able to leave the hospital in a week.
Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew.
Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!
Bedside Manner
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them." At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"
Police Stop
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No " "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."
Groaner Dad joke of the day....
Why do Norwegians put bar codes on their war ships?
So when they dock, they can Scandinavian.
Obviously some sort of rift going on between these two.
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Quote from: Cudakiller70 on December 13, 2018, 04:18:54 PM
Obviously some sort of rift going on between these two.
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Not sure but all I know is the Newfies keep their armies up their sleeve'es :canada:
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
:iagree:
Never truer would spoken....
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours! "
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Poof!
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.
When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.
Poof! A beer appeared. Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."
And poof!...He was back at his desk in the government office!
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , "Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life,
and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad.We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.
So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"
"Wow that's impressive, "When did this happen?" "About three minutes ago," came the reply.
:rolleyes:
Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman "I'd like new air freshener for my Yugo."
The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says "OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade."
Q: What's the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?
A: You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards