JOKES

[Cudakiller70]

      This Joke has been moved to " JOKES " by @Cudakiller70     

[speeddemon]

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A "Dick Tater"

[JS29]

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A "Dick Tater"

Did you hear htat one on HEE-HAW?

[Topcat]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Dallas, Texas and was trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class that she's a Cowboys fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Cowboy fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your ha............nd?"

"Because I'm NOT a Cowboys fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Cowboys fan, then whom do you support?"

"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Well Mary, might you explain why are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco and my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a Niner fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,

"that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "Well then of course I'd be a Dallas cowboys fan.

[Cudakiller70]

Frying Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! OH OH! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh Noooo! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ...
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

[anlauto]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.



She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."



She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my

husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

[anlauto]

Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,



"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with

one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

[anlauto]

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,

so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

[Chryco Psycho]

ITALIAN  GAMBLERS !!!

     

     

    Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!
     
    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing while standing up.
     
    At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
     
    They cut the cards.  Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
     
    They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
     
    "Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."
     
    So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
     
    Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
     
    "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
     
    "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
     

[spiritbird65]

A LONG ONE BUT WORTH THE READ....(EVEN MORE FUNNY CUZ I WORK FOR A LAB!)

One day John was passing by the doctors office when he noticed his tennis elbow was acting up. He decided to stop in. Your in luck the nurse says we had a cancellation today so John agrees to wait to be seen. The nurse then walks up to him and hands him a sterile cup asking him to provide a urine sample. John tells her he thinks it's a bit absurd for a tennis elbow examination which she goes on to explain to John how the doctor had purchased a new lab machine that could diagnose just about any physical problem someone had no matter what it was with total accuracy that it cut down on his work and allowed the doctor to cut out of work early each day to hit the golf course each afternoon. John thought this sounded unbelieveable but did agree to provide a urine sample.

A short time later the doctor called him in to be seen and he says to John...." So that tennis elbows really acting up huh?"....."So the nurse out front told you why I'm here?" The doctor tells him no and explains that it's his new lab machine that tests the urine. John thinks this explaination is just ridiculous and just smirked. He kept his thoughts to himself, accepted his script for a pain killer but did agree to return for a checkup in two weeks.

Two weeks go by and John is sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He shares a laugh with them about this crazy machine the doctor explained he had at the office. So John suggests they have some fun with the doctor. Not only does he pee in the cup but so does his wife and his teenage daughter. In his bathroom after breakfast he spots a hidden adult magazine under a towel in the closet and decides to add a little something "extra" to the sample. On his way out to the garage looking at his car he has one last idea and adds a few drops of crank case oil from his car to the container and mixes everything together with a little smirk. Laughing all the way on the drive over to the doctor.

Twenty minutes go by and the doctor finally calls John back into a room. The doctor starts pacing back and forth looking at John sternly. Finally he could contain his upset no longer, stops dead in his tracks and he says to John...." So you think your a wise ass do ya?" "Well I have some bad news for you when we ran your urine sample on my new machine.....Your wife has gonnorrhea, your teenage daughter is pregnant, your cars about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop whacking off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

[Cudakiller70]

3 moles living in a hole,
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole couldn't get his head out of the hole because of the other two and said all I smell is moleasses.

[71GranCoupe]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up...
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

[Roadman]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up...
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

          love it

[71GranCoupe]

Here is another good one

[anlauto]

 I do not enjoy computer jokes.  Not one bit.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

There's a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How did Moses make his tea?  Hebrewed it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

I saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

The Indians were here first because they had reservations.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

How do you make holy water?  Boil the hell out of it.