JOKES

[JS29]

 

[Topcat]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[1 Wild R/T]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...... "Try doing it with the engine running."

Heard that joke many times, but the fact is they don't.... They roll in a backup engine (Heart Lung Machine)......

[usraptor]

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP "Make America Great Again" cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican'."

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.
Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Cudakiller70]

BANANAS & MILKDUDS

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat
.

This message is for America 's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam.

Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would Be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have lift off'.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million Weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Lead foot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up
.
In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.


We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice... I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I Was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person In history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'

[Cudakiller70]

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Egomaniac Light Bulb

Q: How many egomaniac does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him.

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
Sing along at the opera
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Retiree @Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Winchester, the Crazy Wheaten
and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. The world needs more humor - take care of our retirees!

Earning A Day Off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[73440]

Speaking of hearing aids,
Two older gentleman were talking and the first says I just bought the best hearing aid made , the second says oh ya what kind is it ? The first answers a quarter to three.

[Chryco Psycho]

Aging


A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a Winnipeg bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. All I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. 

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

             

[usraptor]

Meet Walter  Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
   
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
   
80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 
   
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 
   
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly. 
   
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?" 
   
"Ninety-eight," he replied  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 
   
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" 
   
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

[1 Wild R/T]

ANGER MANAGEMENT



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
 on
someone you don't know.


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten 
to 
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn 
Carter?"

  Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right number,
you
 idiot!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that 
any one could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
 to 
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two 
digits.  

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're the idiot!" and 
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'idiot' next to it,
and
 put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying 
bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an 
idiot!" and then hang up. It always cheered me up.

 When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'idiot'
 calling 
would have to stop. So, I called his number and (disguising my voice
and making up a name) said, "Hi, this is John Smith from AT&T. I'm
calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an idiot!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign
in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW idiot,
too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes,
it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said,
"Yes,
I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked
right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name
is
Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He
said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can
I
tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an idiot!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,
when I
had a problem, I had two idiots to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Idiot #1. He said, "Hello." I
said, "You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I
said,
"Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Idiot, I live at 34 Oak
Tree Blvd. It's a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in
front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, idiot,"
and hung up.

Then I called Idiot #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, idiot," 
He
yelled, "If I ever find out who you are ..." I interrupted and said,
"You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your head in!" I answered,
"Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now!" Then I
hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Oak
Tree Blvd. and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree
Blvd.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Oak Tree Blvd. I got
there
just in time to watch two idiots beating the fool out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

[1 Wild R/T]

They have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting toasted from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look cute...Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really irks me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. "Forget those rednecks."

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants now have lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Forget it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? 
It should be noted that the judges are selected more carefully now........it took the fire departments disaster team two days to put Frank out!


[Timbbuc2]

A weak Turkey was walking in the pasture and he wanted to get to the top of the tree but he was too weak. A lone crow flew down and told the Turkey to eat the corn in the cow's manure and it would make his stronger. After a couple of day's the Turkey sure enough was stronger and flew to the top, he was so happy. A few minutes later a gun shot rang out the the Turkey fell to the ground. The moral of  the story is BS can get you to the top but it wont keep you there.

[anlauto]

WORDS OF WISDOM


1. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.


   2. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt he forgets his sugar.

   
3. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good. 
   
   
4. When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
   

   5. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.
   

   6. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.
   

   
7. A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'.  No wife of mine's gonna work."
   

   8. Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook,  sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders. 
   

    9. Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
   

 
10. Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want  to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

[Topcat]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder
Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had.. an
elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets
with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Cudakiller70]

A judge was interviewing an Alabama woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said,
"I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town,
as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked,
"Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two car carport and have
never really needed one because we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again,
"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -
but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The fool says he can't communicate with me."