JOKES

[Cudakiller70]

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.

[Chryco Psycho]

Husband and wife.....
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Modify message

[303 Mopar]

My Living Will

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my beer!

The little bastards.

[Topcat]

.

[blown motor]

Confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue  'Service'

U.S. Postal  'Service'

Telephone  'Service'

Cable / TV  'Service'

Civil  'Service'

City, County & State Public  'Service'

Customer  'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!!  It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

[blown motor]

Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
 

[usraptor]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl

about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53,

gets off his Harley, walks through a group of

gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying

to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey

Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear too "insensitive,"

George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend"

opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you

jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ol' George

here your best last kiss?"
So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over

the railing and did just that ...and it was a long,

deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another

even better one. After they breathlessly finished,

George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-

buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper,

and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have

ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there,

Sugar Shorts You could be famous if you rode with

me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

..It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

[Roadman]

  Little boy went with his Grandma to the hospital to visit his grandpa. When they got there the little boy burst into his Grandpa's room ahead of his Grandma and blurted out, "Grandpa, when Grandma comes in make a noise like a frog. "  When his Grandpa asked why he should do that, the little boy said, " Cause Grandma said when you croak were going to Disney World."       

[anlauto]

.

[Brads70]

WIFE: Doctor says I need to start a new exercise program today. I need to walk 3 miles a day.

HUSBAND: Great!! So by this time next week you will be 21 miles away! 

[Topcat]

The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick,
I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

[JS29]

 

[usraptor]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends..   

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his
wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called
her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept
over, and two said he was still there. 

[Roadman]

     A blonde gal decided she was going to do her jig saw puzzle, so she dumped it out on the table and looked it over. She decided to call her boyfriend to come and help as she couldn't figure out how to get started. So he comes over, looks it over and asks " whats it supposed to be ? " She said according to the box it's a rooster. So he says, well honey, it will never be a rooster, so lets sit down, have a cup of tea and put the corn flakes back in the box.      

[anlauto]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'



On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather foreign-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'