JOKES

[Roadman]

   A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. Once he got them settled in their seats a lady across the ailse leaned over and asked him if they were all his kids. He replied no, I work for a condom company in customer service, and there customer complaints.

[Cudakiller70]

BRITISH HUMOR

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *******.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[Timbbuc2]

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
I had a employee always worked 4 days a week. I asked why are you always out one day a week and I quote " I cant make on 3"

[71GranCoupe]

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
I had a employee always worked 4 days a week. I asked why are you always out one day a week and I quote " I cant make on 3"

I believe your story, as one time there was another apprentice, asked him why he only worked 3 days a week, his line, I can't get by on any less. Partying basically got in the way of work.

[Chryco Psycho]

So who is wrong ?
I have worked minimum of 70 hrs / wee since high school & I have nothing to show for it
Maybe all of us workaholics are wrong & we should be enjoying life more 

[Cudakiller70]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

[anlauto]

Seenager

I just discovered my age group! 

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work 

I get an allowance every month. 

I have my own pad. 

I don't have a curfew. 

I have a driver's license and my own car. 

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.   

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don't have acne. 

Life is Good!  Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager. 

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. 

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. 

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. 

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. 

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names!






Thank you!

[Roadman]

           

[Topcat]

I stopped at a rest area headed for the toilet, went into the cubicle and this is what happened...
"Hi, how are you?"

Now...I'm not the type to start a conversation in a toilet
and I don't know what got into me, but...
I answered..."Doin' just fine!"

then the other person said:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?
I'm thinking.... this is too bizarre...

so I said: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could

when I heard another question.
"Can I come over?"

OK, this question was just too weird for me but I figured
I would just be polite and end the conversation...
so I said:

"No.. I'm just a little too busy right now !!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an person in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions!!

[Roadman]

Early one morning a wife says to her husband " Honey, do you want a nice breakfast, bacon and eggs maybe ? "   No he says, that Viagra ruined my appetite.

Lunch rolls around and she asks him if he's hungry. No he says, that Viagra just takes away my hunger.

At dinner time she says, honey how about a nice ribeye steak and baked potato, your favorite.?He says no, it's that Viagra, not hungry.

Well, OK she says, would you mind letting me up, I'm starving.      

[Topcat]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

"Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They looked, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: Tall, well built, with dark black hair and brown eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.

................No one moves.
................He removes his shirt.
................Muscles ripple across his chest.
...............She gasps

.................He whispers:
..............."Here, iron this, and get me a sandwich to eat."

[Fern]

A grandfather and grand son walk through the pharmacy and the grandson asks whats that?
Grandfather says, that's a condom for when its Friday and your out with your girlfriend.
Then he asks whats that,
That's a 3 pack for when you've been together longer and its for Friday, Saturday and sunday.
Then he asks whats that?
That's a 6 pack for when you've been together for a while and its 2 on Friday, 2 on Saturday, and 2 on sunday.
Then he asks whats that?
That's a 12 pack for when you get married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for march and so on.

[Topcat]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs    $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else,there's MasterCard!

[anlauto]

The Arrogance of 
Authority
 
 

 
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear.......do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
 
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
 
 
 
 
 


(I just love this part....)
 
 
 
 


"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[anlauto]

Is this legit ?  I just got this email.....

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I was this 3 days searching for any contact that can make me take a short conversation with you

First, i want to tell that i'm a neighbor, sorry if i can't told you my name, cuz i'm shy

I love you, i realy love you, and i want to know your opinion about me

i already registred on chat website, you must also register on it, if you want to see my pic, my phone number ...

I know you will like me because i'm beautifull, i'm waiting for you to register and began our conversation

register from this link===> http://yellowred.....net/qs=r-aedfjafcecichegaehejbkaeeibccadibdabababahakaceaifacejiajghjacb

Don't be late plz i know you are home now!! and i want you to date me tonight

if you are free .... it will be a special night with us

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